i really need to start writing more, because i don't want to forget. My thoughts are still in a mess, not that it really matters mmm.

December started off really well, because exams are over and i finally get to see the people that i really care about. then there's OCIP, and SEP approval, and suddenly I'm flooded with so much emotions that i never thought existed.

there's a hint of disappointment because i didn't get into my dream school. then there's fear. I never had any hesitation when i was applying, but there and then, after reading the offer, the realization that i will be gone for a while became so tangible it freaked me out.

after that was panic galore (looking back I've got no idea what I was panicking about really), then on the phone with vanny for more than an hour, and then with b for a while. bestest said he'll visit me, actually that's the same thing the lover said to me a while ago. that was what i needed to hear, even if its a lie, but really, that meant so much to me.

I think some parts of the conversation didn't come across the way i meant it. i didn't mean to doubt you when you said you're gonna visit me, i just (still) couldn't believe that anyone will actually do that. it sounds crazy to me- visiting your friend that will be at the other side of the world, no? i probably never told you this before, but you're the most amazing and solid friend i can ever ask for.

there's still a ton of things and applications for me to settle, and OCIP stuffs that's starting to pile up, but just maybe for the first time i don't really mind all these trouble.

i'm still afraid of distance, and i'm not all that confident about the future, but having people that believe in you certainly make it a little easier.